We Need A New Muppet Movie!

We haven’t had a new Muppet movie in nearly a decade and it’s time for that to change…

Friends, Muppet Fans, Countrymen: I come to you today with a meager proposal. Something that may not fix this country, but would at least allow it a moment of healing. Perhaps, boldly speaking, maybe even unite us as a people under a shared banner a la Barbenheimer. My friends, I am asking–no, demanding–a new Muppet movie.

The last full-length Muppet movie, Muppets Most Wanted, was released March 2014. Which, in case you weren’t keeping track, was nearly a decade ago. A decade. That’s nearly 10 years of theaters being Muppet-less and frankly, the Muppets are one of the few cultural institutions we have holding this whole shebang together. Perhaps it is melodramatic, but I feel there is something tragic about that whenever we used to get Muppet movies semi-frequently through the 2000s, and I don’t seem to be alone in this.

And these are only from last week (as of writing), not to mention the social media campaign from last year calling for a Muppets Knives Out. The people are crying out for more Muppets and it is a plea that must be answered. Which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to pitch 3 ideas for a new Muppet movie. Disney, you can take these for free, as long as I personally get to meet national hero, Kermit the Frog, and receive a hug from his floppy little Muppet arms.

The Muppets’ Great Gatsby

via GIPHY

This one, in my opinion, is an easy slam dunk. Not only is Gatsby officially in the public domain, which means there’s ample opportunity to strike while the iron is hot, it is also considered probably one of the most quintessential American novels of all time. Meaning, the advertising is basically built in for you. Do you know how many middle schoolers you could show this movie after they read the book? Thousands.

Also, in case you were wondering: yes, Miss Piggy would be Daisy Buchanan. However, I’d argue for Kermit as Nick Carraway, instead of the titular man himself. Nick feels far more in step with his typical roles, thus it wouldn’t be too bold of a departure for a first movie back; furthermore, I think Gatsby remaining a human would add to his mysterious allure. It works to separate him from the rest of the inhuman cast, playing directly into the themes of the novel regarding Gatsby’s identity and emotional distance. That’s right, I’m thinking about the themes. I have standards for my Muppet film adaptations.

The Muppets’ Dracula

via GIPHY

I want to see Kermit the Frog as Jonathan Harker. I want to see Sam the Eagle as Van Helsing. I am not even slightly joking, I want to see it so bad it’s not even funny. I know you may say, “there are parts in this that could scare children! They stab one of the main characters with a stake after she dies!” To which I say: that has never stopped an adaptation before. Gatsby literally dies in The Great Gatsby and they still let children read that. Besides, I believe the writers are smart enough to work around those details and make them comedic.

This is also why I would cast Miss Piggy as Lucy Westernra, to further play into the comedy as she would be furious about being ousted from the movie early (and certainly wouldn’t let it happen), with Mina still being a human. I would also put Gonzo in the role of Quincy Morris,—I think there’s a great bit there about him attempting to do the accent for 2 minutes before giving up—with Honeydew and Beaker as Dr. Seward.

The Muppets’ Hamlet

via GIPHY

I’ll be honest, I feel like this is my moment of genius. I think this has the potential to change the world of film as we know it and this is your opportunity to get in on the ground floor. Much like The Muppets’ Christmas Carol, a Muppet retelling of Hamlet would not only be laugh-till-you-cry good, but a brilliant twist on the source material that allows it to reach a brand new audience.

Stage it as the gang is actually doing the play. That way you can have all the mishaps of theater production you could ever want, and cast the ever misfortunate Gonzo as Hamlet, with Kermit as his Horatio trying to guide him through the play so he doesn’t blow it for them. This would also lessen the severity of the “deaths”, since it would be clear that none of them are real from the get go. You’re already off to the races.

Then, you get a respected, older Shakespearean actor—Sir Ian McKellen, Ralph Fiennes, Kenneth Branagh, etc.—cast them as Claudius. Maybe even a completely out of left field celebrity cameo right at the end for Fortinbras, which they draw absolutely no attention to, despite the celebrity’s efforts. The entire Electric Teeth band is Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Piggy is Ophelia, but doesn’t realize she dies. You see where I’m going with this?

This could change lives (or at the very least, mine). I look forward to your emails, Disney, and my embrace with your prize frog.